When it comes to finding a new relationship, women have the same issues as men: pickiness, fear of intimacy, the need for attraction, and rule making. Once love is found there isn’t a formula for keeping a relationship healthy, but there are a few things to keep in mind when you’re involved with someone you care about.
In a recent study to examine relationship deal-breakers, the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin from the University of Western Sydney pointed out qualities that would disqualify a potential mate including kids, appearance, laziness, and neediness.
Researchers also noted that men rate talking too much and having a low sex drive as something to consider when they’re selecting a new partner. In contrast, women were more likely to consider low self-esteem, laziness, and playing video games as their deal-breakers.
In the beginning of a new relationship, things can be pretty rocky. When you first start dating someone new, you suddenly have to figure out how to be that person’s mate, which could prove to be stress inducing. What worked in a past relationship might not work in this new one.
In light of this new study, I conduced a mini survey made up of a few black men and women to find out what they consider deal breakers in a relationship.
Sebastian, Boston, MA.
It is important for me to be myself, and I believe in maintaining my independence in relationships. I can be quite eccentric at times, and intolerance for each other’s quirks and idiosyncrasies is a major deal breaker for me. It certainly isn’t always easy staying yourself, but it is essential to a healthy relationship. Some compromises must be made, of course, but too much compromise at certain times in one’s life can easily render the relationship toxic.
John, Portland, ME
When it comes to dating, closed mindedness and lack of confidence from the girl are deal-breakers for me. I can’t stand a girl who is not open to new ideas. Equally unattractive (to me), is a girl who lacks confidence in herself and therefore relies heavily on her friends to make decisions for her. I don’t want to date a whole gang of girls, just one girl with her own mind.
Hantzley, Boston, MA
I’d say when I was younger, I definitely lost a little bit of my identity in previous relationships. Now that I’m older, I think it’s important to be yourself in a relationship, and I also believe you should hold onto your core beliefs. However, I also think that it’s important to consider the fact that a relationship is also a partnership, and that means compromise needs to happen. You need to be flexible enough to work with your partner.
Cody, San Jose, CA
My current relationship is the best relationship I’ve had thus far. It has been hard work and definitely a one-day-at-a- time ordeal. All these fantasy relationships that they show in the movies are all very possible, but behind closed doors it takes a great deal of work to make a relationship successful.
Colin, Boston, MA
I’ve never had an issue being myself. Whenever I start dating someone, I feel like they have a good idea of what they’re getting themselves into. If I get to that point when dating someone, we’ve already had the conversation about our values and outlook on life where we’re at least open to the other’s perspective or on the same page on stuff.
Kishara, Boston, MA
I’m a more traditional dater. Courtship is important to me. I enjoy being wined and dined or at least being taken out for fun activities. The date doesn’t have to be super expensive; it just has to be well thought out. I do believe a man will show you where his mind and heart is based on how much time, resources and effort he places in to getting to know you. So, with that said a deal-breaker for me is inconsistency. I find that a person can only wear their Sunday’s best, but for so long. I don’t appreciate when a man starts off strong doing and saying all the right things, then suddenly his efforts decline.
Karmlla, Grosse Pointe Shores, MI
I am a very strong-willed person not willing to compromise my beliefs or values. I am most comfortable being myself rather than portraying some other character. A deal-breaker for me consists of any type of controlling, loner, or distant from family type behavior. Casual conversation speaks volumes. One can learn a lot paying attention and listening.
Nyesha, Brooklyn, New York
My communication helps my relationship evolve and grow. I want my man to know that I am invested and I want to be his and only his. I give my time and effort and communication to make sure that my man knows exactly what I want and exactly what I am expecting.
Chelsy, Bangor, ME
I’ve been disappointed in a lot of men I have dated in the past. I’ve been very picky when it comes to men. So for me, my expectations have been so high, and I’ve been let down numerous times. When I am being 100% committed to a man, [I would hate to] find out he is talking and dating other women, even though we have a mutual agreement. If I am really into a man, I expect it to be mutual. If not, I will move on. When I find out the man is lying, it’s over.
Martika, Boston, MA
A deal breaker for me is not having ambition. At this point in my life I can’t help some develop drive, they have to want something and I’ll support their goals.